Raqs Nerd: Autistic pride

Yesterday, the 18th of June, was Autistic Pride Day - so this week, it feels important to me to share a little about this part of my identity, as an Autistic bellydancer

I feel that everything about these Raqs Nerd newsletters is in may ways a celebration of my Autistic identity, to be honest.

It is where I get to share all the random connections my brain makes, the information I gather when I'm lost in various special interest rabbitholes, and the sheer obsessive passion that comes with having an Autistic brain.

But it hasn't always been easy, or something I felt safe to talk about.

I think when I first started to take seriously the idea that I might be Autistic, literally the only other Autistic bellydancer I had ever heard of was someone I had read a brief profile of in the Institute Of Physics magazine while I was at university!

There wasn't any representation, and given all the negative and stereotypes about autism that are sadly still very widely believed, I was really really afraid that having this neurotype meant I was never going to be able to be a successful performer (or that I couldn't really be Autistic, because I was creative and I did have emotions).

However, I got my formal autism diagnosis in 2019, and I spent a few years before that thinking of myself as "probably Autistic", so I've had a lot of time now - about a decade - to process what it means to me to be part of what has historically been a very misunderstood neurological minority

And I've come to understand that a lot of what used to be widely believed about Autistic people, even by "professionals", simply isn't true and never was

We aren't "disordered", just different. But we do face many challenges, especially in the world as it is today (loud, busy, endlessly demanding, relentlessly capitalist...), and for that reason autism is a disability. That doesn't mean there is "something wrong with us" - just that our needs are often different than the majority, and often not met by default.

We are also tremendously diverse - not only in terms of what we struggle with, or how much help we may need to get by day to day, but also in our interests and passions, and the journeys they lead us on.

At times in the past, before I learned of my true identity, I have felt that there was "something wrong with me" - because there is a lot of social stigma attached to many common Autistic traits, from our mannerisms and ways of moving and speaking, to our interests, to our communication style, and the majority of us surveyed (something like 80%) have experienced bullying.

But actually, it was having the "label" of being Autistic which eventually gave me the key to self acceptance.

Because it gave me access to community - knowing that I wasn't truly alone in any of my struggles, on the one hand, and the ability to see Autistic people living meaningful lives and experiencing joy, on the other.

And through community, it also gave me access to collective wisdom - coping strategies, an understanding of what it is to be Autistic based in lived experience rather than outside judgement, and political consciousness.

Today, I am very comfortable with who I am, as an Autistic person and as an Autistic dancer and teacher

I recognise that being Autistic is as much a part of me as being tall, or British, or having brown hair. It is just me, and if I wasn't Autistic, I would be a completely different person.

I have been able to gradually build a life that works rather well for me and accommodates my needs, and a lot of the time now I kind of forget that I'm "different" - until I end up in a situation outside of my normal routine!

And I feel that a lot of my greatest strengths in my work are inseparable from being Autistic - the hyperfocus, attention to detail, and analytical thinking style; the incredibly passionate interests that bring me great joy; a tendency towards rhythmic movement and affinity for trance-like states; the ability to spot patterns and connections that apparently aren't at all obvious to other people...

And perhaps most importantly, my commitment to meeting each of my students where they are without judgement, and making sense of their thought process so that I can give them what they need to grow - because I know so well how painful and frustrating it can be to have assumptions made.

At this point, I would describe myself as not only proudly but gleefully Autistic

Because actually, I love all of these things about me.

And I wouldn't be the dancer I am, without them. I might not be a dancer at all. I certainly wouldn't be the movement teacher I am.

And as I've got to know more and more other Autistic people, who I love and appreciate, I've come to appreciate even the things I might have seen as "embarrassing" or "cringe" at one time - because I realise that I don't feel that way when my friends do them. And why should I feel ashamed of or embarrassed by something that I think is endearing when my friends do it?

I've also gradually realised that I'm nowhere near alone in this in the bellydance world, and certainly not in the performing arts in general

Because actually a lot of obsessive, sensitive, unusual kinds of people gravitate to this world. Who'd have thought it? And a lot of those are very much neurodivergent, one way or another.

We're actually everywhere in the arts, I think, at every level. Some diagnosed, some suspecting, and no doubt plenty blissfully unaware. I have had private conversations with many, since I went public with my own diagnosis, and ever more are choosing to come out publicly too.

But there are still many ways the bellydance community, and the arts world in general, could be more welcoming for Autistic folk. And the world at large can still be pretty hostile at times...

So I feel it's still important that I keep talking about this, and being open about my journey - to keep the conversation open, and let others know they are not alone.

To all the Autistic and maybe-Autistic dancers, if you're struggling out there please know that I love you and I believe in you - and in your art, your soul, and your ability to change the world

And to everybody else, I love and believe in you too, you beautiful unique human beings you

With Love,

PS - every part of this newsletter is written by me, a flesh and blood human being, using my own thoughts, feelings, opinions, and writing style - now and always. This is a generative AI free zone 🚫🤖